Are you authentic? Why the word is overused.

Are You Authentic?

How would you really know? I don’t like labeling any person especially using the word “authentic.” While the word is adequate to describe their characteristics of being real, genuine or not a fake, it doesn’t help a person who lacks these desirable traits, to acquire them. A person who lacks traits of being real doesn’t even know they may not be real and that they are faking their own life. To them, faking is the only way they know how and they will have the deer in the headlights look when talking about this.

I’ve met several highly motivated people who claim they are authentic when it seems to me that they are faking it. Saying your are authentic and being authentic are two very different states.

I like using other traits to describe an authentic person. A real person has these desirable traits; self-love and personal unconditional acceptance of themselves and their imperfections. A person who lacks self-acceptance of their faults will understand the faults they have that they don’t accept and may be led to change. They may then be led to ask important questions such as, “I wonder how I begin to accept my own faults?” Or the best question they might ask, “How can I ever drop my guard and begin to share my faults with others without feeling ashamed of them?”

Self-love allows a person to exercise courage in being open and vulnerable. Lack of self-love, or another way to describe this state; conditional self-love, causes a person to believe they are not enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not talented enough. I’m not worthy enough.

Shame is the underlying cause of not being authentic and acting in a way to please others. Shame is hidden in most people. Watch my next few videos, as I will teach you about shame and how to overcome it. I’ll teach you how it affects a child too. You’ll be a better self and much better parent.

 

Paying the price

I personally know three convicts. Each sentenced for different crimes. One served 2 years and the other two men served 5+ year sentences. One is still serving and slated to be released sometime next year.

One of them that served two years had a tough life upon returning home. He was married and his wife faithfully waited and supported him during his incarceration. I worked with him before he served his sentence. I worked with his wife during his absence and again with him after he returned home.

Unfortunately their marriage ended and several years of a tough child custody battle raged. In the end his wife was awarded primary custody of their children. It took a toll on her and the children. They didn’t really like being with him or his new wife afterward. After several hard years his wife is getting back on her feet and

Compare Yourself to Amazing People? | A Trigger to Feeling Inadequate

perfect momDo you “should” on yourself? Do you find yourself comparing your life to others? Ever been smacked down by a perfectionist and told how to do something?

Ever find yourself thinking that Penny Perfect is the best mom? Her kids are always in soccer, ballet or play the piano and your kids are glued to video games and Netflix and their rooms are messy. She’s in shape and you don’t like your shape. You’re afraid to wave to her because you’re embarrassed about your 8 year old minivan that one of your kids hurled in.

You have this flood of emotion and the word “should” keeps popping up.

I should get my kids into soccer.

I should start eating better.

I should start going to the gym.

I should be like Penny.

All of these “shoulds” have negative emotions attached. Feelings of inadequacy, doubt, guilt and fear seem to take over.

Does this sound familiar to you? If so, you’re not alone.

The Truth About Penny Perfect

While Penny may seem like the perfect mom it’s highly probable she is being driven to perfection because she doesn’t feel good about herself either!

Many people doubt them self and they don’t want anyone to know. Behind this lack of belief is some sort of shame; the fear of being unlovable. I’ve heard these statements from some of the moms I’ve worked with, “I better get my kids into soccer because I don’t what the other mothers to think I’m a bad mom.” I’ve even heard this, “I hate getting up at 4:30am to go and work out. My trainer charges a lot to be there at that hour. But I don’t want others to think I’m fat so I push myself hard. At times it gets old and I wished I could just sleep in and go have a donut with the others.” The most amazing thing I heard once from one of my perfectionist moms, “I’m really a nice person and would like to hang out with some of the moms in the neighborhood but I don’t want some of the powerhouse moms I know to be disappointed with my choice of friends.”

Perfectionism is a symptom of this scared view that they somehow are not enough.

Don’t Should on Yourself

imperfect momPlease understand that Penny Perfect isn’t so perfect. Their attitude is created through the fear they won’t be accepted for who they really are so they create this perfectionist person to be accepted. When you compare yourself to Penny Perfect and start to “should” on yourself, you are also expressing the same fear she has; “I’m not good enough as I really am and people won’t like me. So I need to be what other people want me to be so I can fit in.”

The solution to overcome the “shoulds” and the “perfectionist” is to act in courage and move toward vulnerability. This is what being authentic is all about. Through being authentic you will be accepted and be able to create much deeper connections with others.

Authentic: The daily practice of letting go of who you think others want you to be and embrace who you really are.

We all have a need to be loved and belong to something bigger than ourself. We need to be accepted. This is present in all of us and all the time. This is where shame can be a driving force to cause you to become unauthentic. Shame causes the “should” attitude. “I must be a bad mom because my kids don’t play soccer and would rather play video games. I ‘should’ get them into soccer so others don’t think I’m a bad mom.” While it may be a good thing for your kids to play soccer, if you force them to play so you feel better about yourself, could really backfire. Your kids may become resentful. They may rebel and create some unhealthy behavior. And you’re not going to get what you really deserve; to be loved for who you really are.

In my experience as a former perfectionist and now practicing authenticity by embracing who I really am, being vulnerable has helped me be accepted by everyone for just being me. There will always be someone who doesn’t like me for who I really am. I realize that if that happens they made a choice that was more about them than it was about me. I may feel a little badly about that but it won’t change the fact that I feel worthy of love and belonging. I feel worthy of connection. I don’t fear as much as I used to that I was unlovable.

When I began to let others see who I really was my connections with others improved substantially. My energy level increased because I didn’t spend it pretending to be somebody I wasn’t all the time. It’s way easier.

Improved Personal Development

pd mom

Dr. Seuss said, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

As you begin the courageous “daily practice” of being authentic, of accepting who you really are, of moving to a point of being vulnerable, you’ll see just how beautiful you really are. You’ll discover that you are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are. It’s in this peaceful state that your life will begin to move forward. It’s powerful to be vulnerable. Yes it’s scary because you are putting it all out there for all to see. It’s scary because someone my reject you. You will fall on your face. You’ll have your share of failures. That’s part of life. But you’ll not deviate from loving yourself.

Others will mock you. Others will criticize you for being you. Why? They have to judge you to feel good about them selves. They judge you because they are stuck in shame mode. They are now “should-ing” on you! Shame is always the genesis of judgment.

Be you. You are enough just as you are. You are worthy of love and belonging. You don’t need to should on yourself. Be a courageous warrior of embracing who you really are!!!

Someone Bull Sh%ting You? | Some Reveals to Uncover the BS

liarYou probably have the BS detection gene.

This is a refresher course in crap. You know the kind, knee deep.

Why would someone lie and spread the BS? Let’s look at the reason.

The main reason that someone will feed you a line of crap is because of an insecurity they have. They are probably hiding something that that feel shame about. They have this need to fit in and feel like they belong but deep down inside they don’t even realize they are lying. They haven’t figured out that owning their own story and accepting their imperfection creates humility and being authentic goes a long way for them to connect and earn the belonging they desire.

People that BS and are not authentic and many times live in the past. They bring up favorable past events to deflect attention away from their current existence. They will tell you most anything about the past but avoid telling the truth about their current situation.

People that BS are working so hard and being who they think you need them to be you’ll feel they are just performing for you. The BS flies during their performance and they probably need to be in line to win an academy award as “Best crap performance of the year.”

People that let BS fly are usually perfectionists. They think they have to BS you into thinking they are perfect in every way just so you’ll accept them. I know it lame but its the truth. Perfectionist suck. I know, I used to be be one. Damn hard to admit but now I understand.

When you hear the BS fly please realize they are probably not doing it to harm you. They are actually doing it to have you accept them. When I get the crap I disarm them by affirming that I think they are a great person without the crap being spread. When a person knows you care and accept them for who they really are, they will quit the BS and you’ll get the honest truth from them. At that point healing can begin and real connection can takes place.

It’s not so bad to hear the crap. At some point though you’ll have a choice to make. If they still feel that they need to let it fly after you’ve let them know that they don’t, you’ll have to cut them off. That’s crappy in itself because they get what they fear most; they don’t get to feel that they belong.

Be a BS changer! Accept all people for who they really are. That includes yourself.