Get Over Feeling Stupid for Asking for What You Want

Have you ever felt stupid because you had to ask for help? Surprisingly, a lot of people feel this way and as a result, won’t ask for the things they want and even need. I felt this way for most of my life actually.

I’m not talking about asking for directions or how much the chicken sandwich combo costs. I’m talking about the big questions in life. Questions about how to improve your skills. Questions about how to make an impact on others. Or questions about how to overcome a major roadblock in your life.

Many married couples who struggle won’t even go to a counselor for help. They’ll try and solve it on their own and end up making the marriage worse.

I hope my offering of four solutions will help you overcome feeling like a chicken to ask and you’ll start to ask boldly for everything you need and want!

Are you authentic? Why the word is overused.

Are You Authentic?

How would you really know? I don’t like labeling any person especially using the word “authentic.” While the word is adequate to describe their characteristics of being real, genuine or not a fake, it doesn’t help a person who lacks these desirable traits, to acquire them. A person who lacks traits of being real doesn’t even know they may not be real and that they are faking their own life. To them, faking is the only way they know how and they will have the deer in the headlights look when talking about this.

I’ve met several highly motivated people who claim they are authentic when it seems to me that they are faking it. Saying your are authentic and being authentic are two very different states.

I like using other traits to describe an authentic person. A real person has these desirable traits; self-love and personal unconditional acceptance of themselves and their imperfections. A person who lacks self-acceptance of their faults will understand the faults they have that they don’t accept and may be led to change. They may then be led to ask important questions such as, “I wonder how I begin to accept my own faults?” Or the best question they might ask, “How can I ever drop my guard and begin to share my faults with others without feeling ashamed of them?”

Self-love allows a person to exercise courage in being open and vulnerable. Lack of self-love, or another way to describe this state; conditional self-love, causes a person to believe they are not enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not talented enough. I’m not worthy enough.

Shame is the underlying cause of not being authentic and acting in a way to please others. Shame is hidden in most people. Watch my next few videos, as I will teach you about shame and how to overcome it. I’ll teach you how it affects a child too. You’ll be a better self and much better parent.

 

Why People Start Their Own Business vs Working for Someone Else

I could lose everything I have if I worked for myself! I’m not willing to do that at my age.

It’s way to risky. I see my boss when we have bad months. He’s not happy. I don’t want that for me.

Who would ever buy anything from me? I just don’t have the skills needed to pull it off.

I like my job and the people I work with. I think if I left to do something on my own they would disown me. I see how they bad mouthed a friend of mine who left a few years ago to work for herself. When she failed they ridiculed her. It was really sad.

Of course I’d like to work for myself. Take time off or work when I wanted. I think I’d be way better than my boss. Honestly, I just wouldn’t even know how to really do it.

Can you relate?

Most Americans Want to Start Their Own Business

The thought of working for yourself and wanting to own your own business is a desire of most Americans. Yet upon reflection the “risk, how will this hurt my brain mechanism” pops up in your mind and you dismiss the notion of ever even trying to start your own business.

Why is that?

According to a CNN/Gallup Poll if given a choice of starting their own business or working for someone else, 57% of Americans would opt for the former, while 40% would choose to work for someone else. Among people who are actually employed, the margin in favor of being their own boss is even greater — 61% to 38%.

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When the poll is further broken down by age the results are staggering.

by age

Yet I don’t know of one person who doesn’t want more money because it provides them:

  • More choices
  • More security
  • More certainty
  • More ways to help others

By far the two broad categories that people fall into to create income as the poll was taken is:

  • Work for someone else
  • Start your own business

Most people opt for the first option and work for someone else even though they would rather start  their own business. In fact about 95% that work in the US work for someone else. The other 5% work for them self in their own business. Here’s how that shakes out.

  • 19 out of 20 work for someone else
  • 1 out of 20 work for themself
  • Here’s what that looks like: X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X S

Why People Would Rather Work for Someone Else

Because 95% work for someone else it sets a “cultural” standard that is hard to break free from. Your parents probably worked for someone else and taught you to “get a good education” and “get a good JOB” and then after 40 years you’ll have a pension. That’s part of this norm.

Colleges, universities and vocational schools teach this also. They have to if you think about it. If people went to work for them self instead of going to college and get a job, the colleges would lose income. Did you know that most business classes are taught by professors who have never ran their own business? Most of their business knowledge they got out of book or researching how an entrepreneur did it.

As I think back on the professors I had in college, they really didn’t teach me anything that I really needed to know to run the several businesses I’ve owned. They never taught me courage. They never taught me how to persevere in the face of trials and adversity. They never taught me how to have a big dream and vision and to go for it. All the book learning I’ve rarely used.

Is Being an Employee Just Voluntary Servitude?

The truth is to really gain financial and time choices you have to work for yourself for one reason;

Gain control.

If you voluntarily submit to being controlled by a boss in exchange for a guaranteed amount of pay you’ll never truly be free.

In fact in corporate America today it pays to learn corporate politics instead of being skillful. The politics keep the boss happy. Have you ever experienced a fellow coworker who was an expert at brown nosing because they really sucked at their job?

If you’re looking for more financial choices there is really only a few ways to do it.

If you’re looking for more “money” in the job world you’ll only be able to do that in a few ways:

  • You have to earn more per hour,
  • You have to work more hours (or get second and third jobs),
  • You have to leave your employment and go to another job to get a pay raise.
  • (you have no control in each of these three)

In each of these you really don’t add financial and time/freedom choices. You actually reduce them because you are spending time away from the things you want to spend more time doing. While you may have more “money” you don’t have more choices.

What’s Holding Most People Back?

Most people have within their soul what it takes to start their own business. It really is unlocking that within them:

It takes an independent and courageous attitude.

It takes a different attitude to start your own business. The biggest attitude of those that break free of the voluntary servitude and start their own business can be summed up as follows:

Self worth.

A person that starts their own business usually [not always though] believes they are enough. They don’t need the kudos of others to gain a measure of self worth. They give kudos to them self and feels okay being alone. They like them self and don’t care what other people say about them. They feel good about them self. Many have great self love and compassion for others.

They are comfortable being independent. Doing it their way in spite of the spears and arrows that will be shot at them from others who are insecure. The people that throw darts don’t like anyone to threaten their way of life of being mediocre and part of the norm.

People that start their own business don’t like running with the herd and accepting the herd’s belief that it is safer being in the niche even though the herd is actually run by those leaders outside the herd.

One of the most courageous acts a person will ever do is just being who they really are. Courage to be authentic. Courage to act and not be acted upon.

I coach people who work for others and business owners and this attitude of self worth always seems to be a delineating difference. I’m not amazed anymore of the shame people carry. Once the shame is identified then the flood gates open to personal self worth and breakthroughs in peace and performance.

The great story here is that EVERYONE can learn to have self worth. It’s within every person.

 

Ever felt ashamed of your health and the way you look?

There is a way of life in the East called Genshai. It means to never treat another person in a manner that would make them feel small…..including yourself.

Our health is under attack. There are really evil companies producing products that would compromise your health for the sake of their profit.

Major food companies remove nutritional quality to make the food taste good so you’ll buy and eat it. Then after you eat enough of it your health deteriorates. Then with poor health, the medical profession just shoves a pill in you allowing you to eat more bad food. What a racket! It’s no wonder to me why the nation’s health care costs have gone from 1/20th of the US economy (1964) to 1/6 (2016)?

Then all these ripped models showing off lean bodies as if to say, “If you’re not like me then you are not cool. Buy my fitness plan and be cool.”

All of this is really shame. You feel like you are convicted. That being unhealthy is somehow substandard and a crime? People have disdain for overweight people more overweight than them self (insecurity, judgement and criticism with shame). Then the food ads suggest, “Eat my food and be cool because your life sucks! [shame]” Or, “Look like me because you look horrible! [shame]”

Yet ask others this question. Who is without guilt, without ever being less than perfect, cast the first judgement?

Do you know what would happen?

They would all have to leave. You’d be standing by yourself. Everyone is imperfect.

It’s okay to not be healthy. Why? Because standing alone you know you’re worthy of health. You’re worthy to give yourself some love. To disperse any shame you may feel. Shame will do more damage to your health than bad food and lifestyle ever will.

Practice Genshai and as you treat others so they won’t feel small, you’ll begin to treat yourself that way too.

I think you’re perfect. You can be made healthy just because you want to. That is pure perfection!

Now, feel big! You are pure Genshai!

 

Compare Yourself to Amazing People? | A Trigger to Feeling Inadequate

perfect momDo you “should” on yourself? Do you find yourself comparing your life to others? Ever been smacked down by a perfectionist and told how to do something?

Ever find yourself thinking that Penny Perfect is the best mom? Her kids are always in soccer, ballet or play the piano and your kids are glued to video games and Netflix and their rooms are messy. She’s in shape and you don’t like your shape. You’re afraid to wave to her because you’re embarrassed about your 8 year old minivan that one of your kids hurled in.

You have this flood of emotion and the word “should” keeps popping up.

I should get my kids into soccer.

I should start eating better.

I should start going to the gym.

I should be like Penny.

All of these “shoulds” have negative emotions attached. Feelings of inadequacy, doubt, guilt and fear seem to take over.

Does this sound familiar to you? If so, you’re not alone.

The Truth About Penny Perfect

While Penny may seem like the perfect mom it’s highly probable she is being driven to perfection because she doesn’t feel good about herself either!

Many people doubt them self and they don’t want anyone to know. Behind this lack of belief is some sort of shame; the fear of being unlovable. I’ve heard these statements from some of the moms I’ve worked with, “I better get my kids into soccer because I don’t what the other mothers to think I’m a bad mom.” I’ve even heard this, “I hate getting up at 4:30am to go and work out. My trainer charges a lot to be there at that hour. But I don’t want others to think I’m fat so I push myself hard. At times it gets old and I wished I could just sleep in and go have a donut with the others.” The most amazing thing I heard once from one of my perfectionist moms, “I’m really a nice person and would like to hang out with some of the moms in the neighborhood but I don’t want some of the powerhouse moms I know to be disappointed with my choice of friends.”

Perfectionism is a symptom of this scared view that they somehow are not enough.

Don’t Should on Yourself

imperfect momPlease understand that Penny Perfect isn’t so perfect. Their attitude is created through the fear they won’t be accepted for who they really are so they create this perfectionist person to be accepted. When you compare yourself to Penny Perfect and start to “should” on yourself, you are also expressing the same fear she has; “I’m not good enough as I really am and people won’t like me. So I need to be what other people want me to be so I can fit in.”

The solution to overcome the “shoulds” and the “perfectionist” is to act in courage and move toward vulnerability. This is what being authentic is all about. Through being authentic you will be accepted and be able to create much deeper connections with others.

Authentic: The daily practice of letting go of who you think others want you to be and embrace who you really are.

We all have a need to be loved and belong to something bigger than ourself. We need to be accepted. This is present in all of us and all the time. This is where shame can be a driving force to cause you to become unauthentic. Shame causes the “should” attitude. “I must be a bad mom because my kids don’t play soccer and would rather play video games. I ‘should’ get them into soccer so others don’t think I’m a bad mom.” While it may be a good thing for your kids to play soccer, if you force them to play so you feel better about yourself, could really backfire. Your kids may become resentful. They may rebel and create some unhealthy behavior. And you’re not going to get what you really deserve; to be loved for who you really are.

In my experience as a former perfectionist and now practicing authenticity by embracing who I really am, being vulnerable has helped me be accepted by everyone for just being me. There will always be someone who doesn’t like me for who I really am. I realize that if that happens they made a choice that was more about them than it was about me. I may feel a little badly about that but it won’t change the fact that I feel worthy of love and belonging. I feel worthy of connection. I don’t fear as much as I used to that I was unlovable.

When I began to let others see who I really was my connections with others improved substantially. My energy level increased because I didn’t spend it pretending to be somebody I wasn’t all the time. It’s way easier.

Improved Personal Development

pd mom

Dr. Seuss said, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

As you begin the courageous “daily practice” of being authentic, of accepting who you really are, of moving to a point of being vulnerable, you’ll see just how beautiful you really are. You’ll discover that you are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are. It’s in this peaceful state that your life will begin to move forward. It’s powerful to be vulnerable. Yes it’s scary because you are putting it all out there for all to see. It’s scary because someone my reject you. You will fall on your face. You’ll have your share of failures. That’s part of life. But you’ll not deviate from loving yourself.

Others will mock you. Others will criticize you for being you. Why? They have to judge you to feel good about them selves. They judge you because they are stuck in shame mode. They are now “should-ing” on you! Shame is always the genesis of judgment.

Be you. You are enough just as you are. You are worthy of love and belonging. You don’t need to should on yourself. Be a courageous warrior of embracing who you really are!!!